Those kisses on my feet

Phi.Zen.Poem – It was in February 2022, finally we had met and be together for 30 days, after 2 years talking apart, me and my dear “Gingeng”!

This poem was written in April, 2022 when I was in “kind” of a lost, a-sacred-lost, a holy-transformed-lost…

…

You did not say you love me
It was sad but it’s true

When we were far away
You said thousands of sweet things
When we were together
All sweet things disappeared

I had no idea what happened
I had no idea what was happening

Is it a sweet dream or a nightmare?
I don’t even tell…

If it’s a sweet dream, then why isn’t it sweet,
Even bitter sometimes?
If it’s a nightmare, then
Why didn’t I want to wake up?

Even in my worst nightmare
I have never thought it would happen like this
I kept asking why:

You did not hold me before I fell asleep
You did not kiss me after I got up either
You did not kiss me on the lips or even the cheeks
You did not hold my hands
You did not ask what music I wanna hear
You did not ask where I wanna go
You did not ask what I felt

So you did not know what I felt

Sometimes I wondered if there was any love
Sometimes I wondered what I was doing there
Sometimes I wondered who I am when you were there
Sometimes I wonder if you had any love for me

I tried to think about the sweetnesses we had
But I just remember only the emptiness and the nothingness

Why why why?

I cried because my mind is so empty
I cried because I remember nothing at all

Is it because there was nothing to remember?
Is it because there was nothing at all?

Thinking makes me tired
Thinking makes me sad

So I stopped thinking
I gave up thinking

And then…

Suddenly from nowhere at all
Memory is flooding over me like ocean

And then suddenly I remember:

I remember when you caressed my feet
I remember when you kissed my feet
I remember you kissed my feet so many times
I remember you kissed my feet every day

Yes Yes Yes

You did not hold my hands
Because you were busy holding my feet

Yes Yes Yes
You did not kiss my lips or my cheeks
Because you were busy kissing my feet

Yes Yes Yes
You did not ask me anything about what I want
But you gave me anything you think that I need

Even though I remember all that
I still do not remember what I was doing at those moments
I still don’t remember what happened before and after all those kisses
I could not even think
When you were kissing my feet
Anytime when you did it
My mind disappeared
Anytime when you did it
My ego disappeared
Anytime when you did it
Even my self also disappeared

That’s why I didn’t know who I am when I’m with you
That’s why I didn’t know what I’m doing when I’m with you
That’s why I didn’t know anything about anything when I’m with you

That’s why I didn’t even know you…

Who are you?
The man who kept kissing my feet

Who are you?
The man who kept being silent

Who are you?

And why did you?
Nail me on the cross of illusion and hope
Punish me for my own illusion and hope

Why did you?
Convince me to be in love
Then show me that love is unreal

Why did you?
Make me hate myself for
Craving for more kisses

Why did you?
Nail me on the cross of love and death

Silently…

Patiently…

Watching me crying
Watching me dying

Then kissing my feet

Then kissing me feet

Why why why?
Oh oh…

Just like anyone who wakes up from a nap and finds their mind is empty

My mind is empty

I remember nothing

But I do remember those kisses on my feet

Yes I do

Yes I do

You are my beautiful nightmare and I love it!

(2022)

You were a beautiful nightmare and I love you, my Củ Nhân Sâm Đẹp Trai!

(2025)

Phi Tuyet was writing this during the “nightmare-of-the-soul” before waking up!

This piece of art names “dying on the cross of illusion and hope” was painted one month after the poem!

Now it is no more, the painting and the woman on the cross, they are both now reborn into different forms of being!