The art of praying

The art of praying

I have heard a beautiful story about a smart kid that I wonder he may be a Jew because we all know the Jew is very intelligent, aren’t they?

“A little boy was writing his pray very carefully on a paper. When he finished it, quiet long, he was so happy and stuck that paper on the wall next to the bed. Every morning and every night, he looked at the paper with his big eyes also a very big smile, he prays: “God, please read it.”

Such a smart kid, know you understand why I said he should be a Jew, right.

I met a real-Jewish boy some months ago, and when I said, “The Jew just care bout money, right, profit?” He said: “No, we just care about the intelligence. Intelligent always comes first.”

Maybe he’s right. That kid in the story makes me believe it.

I have my own story with the pray and the Jewish, let me think which one I should tell first. Maybe the Jew. People say “money comes first” means “jewelry comes first” means The Jew first, that is my way to make a decision. Such a dumb girl, I am, haha.

So, I was born in a Catholic family, so when I was just a little girl, my parents used to take me to the church every single weekend. Like a good girl, I listened so carefully to what the priest said, and to be honest with you, I wished I didn’t. Because what he said was nothing makes sense, all those ideas turned me crazy. 

One of those ideas was that God had chosen only the Jew to be his own people. Now, as a Not-Jew, I had to go to the church to worship a father that “abandon” us initially and asked him for forgiveness? Where is the sense?

So one day, when we came back from the church, I asked my mom: “Mom, are we Jewish?” My mom sad: “Of course not, we are Vietnamese.”

I said: “So why do we have to go to church? God said he just chose only the Jew to be his people, and we are not, so do we misunderstood him, or we just don’t care what he said in the bible?”

To this point, I have to thanks my mom so much, not because she always answer my questions or gave me good answers. I feel so thankful because she was innocent àn humble enough to answer nothing when she doesn’t have them. My mom kept quiet after not only this question but many later on.

Like when I asked: “Mom, what will we do in heaven after we died?”

She said: “Nothing, just singing and dancing”

I was a difficult girl even when I was just a little girl, at that time I hate dancing an singing because all the songs I heard and the dance I saw from the school were ugly and I don’t like them all. I hate them. I was so free and playing around my little natural heaven with so much fun. Then one day, they force me to school to dance and sing some songs about some stupid lizards bite their tails and cry, and their father was angry and screaming at them. Or another song about how much we love our grandmother. No, my grandmother is at home right now, please let me go home and love her by my own way, not just sing a stupid song that “I love you so I squeeze my hands, when I have good behavior I know that you are happy” come on adults, just because we are kids, doesn’t mean our songs should not have meanings. I hated school, hated songs, hated to dance, and could not believe that I continued crying whole-year-long every-single-day when my dad took me to school by walking through some hills. We lived in a beautiful village with many hills and mountains around. Have you seen any kid crying a whole-damn-year for the idea, go to school every day? I don’t remember that, but my dad keeps telling me this story, so I believe it. My dad never lies. And maybe because of seeing me cry so much, it made his heart so soft that he always has such a big love and care for me even though I have some other sisters. Everyone calls me is “winey-girl” of my dad – it means the favorite daughter. 

Wait, wait, back a little bit to the story, know you know why I hate dancing and singing because I hate school and all its activity. So when my mom said, “We go to heaven, we don’t need to do anything, just sit down in peace, singing, dancing and hear from God.” 

Nothing could make me more disappointed than that idea about heaven. First I don’t like dancing or singing, then if the whole day just dances, sing and sit and hear someone like the priest said about God. The worst thing is those things will happen that way forever, oh my god, forever singing. Just think about it made me sick., it was just like: you have to stay in the nursery school FOREVER or another way: you have to stay in the CHURCH FOREVER. I wanted to cry to be honest with you when I heard my mom said about heaven. I didn’t dare tell my mom that I hate that idea, but so deep inside me, I thought, “If it’s all about heaven, then who wanna go there? At least not me, I give up the idea of trying to go there…” I felt so sad, disappointed, but at the same time, I felt a bit release too, and as a little girl at that time, I could not explain why.

Of course, I can refuse to go to heaven in my mind. No one knows, so no one can stop me from that. I could not stop going to the church because they all told me if I don’t go to the church, I will end up in hell. And the idea of hell is not less ugly than heaven, just fire, the forever-fire burn to death except you can not die anymore, you are already dead. 

I might don’t like the idea of going to heaven, but I definitely don’t like the idea of going to hell either. So I kept going to the church but also kept asking my mom many questions that now I can see clearly how pain-in-the-ass I was to my mom. I’m sorry, mom. I never thought it this way, but yeah, I’m sorry. But to be honest, it was your fault too. You are a very independent, strong, and smart woman, and I am your daughter, so I am supposed to be smart too, right? Just the fact that I can’t help myself. Hâha. Just kidding. 

Back to the questions, I asked my mom: “If Jesus did not do anything wrong, but Barbara (the killer) did kill someone, and everyone knew it. So then why everyone asked Pilates to set Barbara free, not Jesus? What’s wrong with those people? Are they really smart as everyone said about the Jew?”

My mom couldn’t answer.

Another question: “If Jesus knew Judas would betray him and sell him up. Why did he not just escape or tell everyone to make it stop? It doesn’t make sense that you already knew someone would do something bad to you. You just let it happen with a big heart enough to accept it without any blame, then when it truly happens, and you put all the blame to others later?”

“If Jesus has so much powerful-magic as the only son of God, why didn’t he just do something to change all the situation?”

“I thought The cross is a holy thing, why next to Jesus there were two thieves were hanged in their crosses too?”

“If Jesus is the ONLY SON of God, then who are we? Are we the orphan or the children-out-law?” 

Even today, when I think about all these stories, I could not believe I was so “smart” to ask them. 

Thank God, my mom answer non of my questions, that is the most important gift my mom gave me so far. She did not try to provide me with an answer when she doesn’t know. Maybe because of my questions, she was questioning herself too, but Catholic is a strong organized system. They emphasize the faith, trust, belief, not doubting, questioning, asking, so no one ever asked or even thought about these questions.

I kept asking many other questions too, but because my mom could not give me an answer, neither anyone else, so I kept those questions for myself instead of asking anyone anymore.

You would wonder why I didn’t ask my dad, but my mom. In my family, it was a bit opposite. My dad was so close to me that he is the symbol of love – the heart – the trust. On the other hand, my mom never showed up her love. She cared so much about money, how to make the family richer, have a better life. She was a smart and strong woman; she took care of almost all the business. For me, she is the symbol of the MIND. When you have things to do with love, you don’t ask because Love is trust, no doubt. Real love I mean. But when you have things to do with douts, you ask, and for asking, it’s the MIND job so … in the end, we can say that I don’t know why I didn’t ask my dad but just my mom. 

We all tend to ask the questions to the Smartest person we have known, right. Maybe that’s why I just keep questioning my mom only. 

She was so smart that she did not answer those questions. She knew that I’m “dangerous” somehow, and maybe that’s why she slowly kept the distance to me. We never had any real conversation ever again after all small conversations about God.

Because she knows she has no answer. She may never ask any question about God to her parents, so she has no experience how to answer or deal with it. How can we?

About the questions and the answers. Here is another kiss-ass story that I have read repeatedly because I can see so much in it. This story is not a Jew boy or Vietnamese girl, but about a little boy in India, he was around 5 years old when this story happened. I won’t tell you his real name just to keep these stories are as pure and beautiful as they are, then you can enjoy them more. Just to make it easy, let call this boy “Raja” for now. 

Raja was born in a family which belongs to a very small section of Jainism.

He was five years old when he saw the first naked Jaina monk being invited into his grandmother’s house. That man is his grandfather’s guru – the master. Raja could not resist laughing, so he came to my grandmother and said, “Can I ask a few questions to this utterly insane man?”

 His grandmother -Nani in Indian said, “Go ahead and don’t worry about your Nana – the grandfather. I allow you.”

 In the middle of the so-called sermon, Raja stood up and asked the old man some simple questions. He asked, “Don’t you ever want to be born again?”

That’s simple question in Jainism because Jainism is nothing but an effort not to be born again. It is the whole science of preventing rebirth.

The old monk said, “No, never.”

 Raja asked, “Why don’t you commit suicide? Why are you still breathing, eat, drink water? If you continue in this way, you may have to live 40 years more. It is a whole another life. Why not commit suicide to stop it now?”

The monk looked at Raja so fiercely until Raja told him: “Remember, you will have to be born again if you are still full of anger. Please just answer my question peacefully and silently. If you cannot answer, simply say ‘I don’t know’, but don’t be angry.”

The old man said, “Suicide is a sin. I cannot commit suicide, but I want never to be born again. I will achieve that state by slowly renouncing everything that I possess.”

Raja said, “Please show me something that you possess. You don’t even have short pants.”

The grandfather tried to stop Raja, but when he told him about what the Nani said, he became silent, even without a look from her. In fact, he closed his eyes as if he was meditating. 

Raja said to him, “Nana, great! You are angry, boiling, there is a fire within you, but you try to remain calm. Your guru is angry because my questions are annoying him. You are angry because your guru is not capable of answering. But I say, this man who is sermonizing here is just an imbecile.”

That monk’s name was ‘Shanti Sagar’, meaning “Ocean of bliss”. He became so angry that he shouted at Raja to sit down. 

Raja said, “Nobody can tell me to sit down in my own house. I can tell you to get out, but you cannot tell me. But I will not because I still have a few more questions. Please don’t be angry. Remember your name, “Shanti Sagar” you could at least be a little pool and don’t be disturbed by a little child. I have another question for you.”

 Jainas believe there are seven hells. Up to sixth, there is a possibility of coming back, but the seventh is eternal. Once you are in it, you are in it forever. 

So Raja asked the monk, “You have said, ‘Don’t believe anything unless you have experienced it yourself.’ I see the truth in that, so this is the question: Have you visited the seventh? If you have, then you could not be here. If you have not, on what authority do you say that it exists? You should say that there are only six hells, not seven. Now please be correct: say that there are only six hells, or if you want to insist on seven, then prove to me that at least one man, Shanti Sagar, has come back from the seventh hell.” 

The monk was dumbfounded. He could not believe that a child could ask such a question. 

It is a convention that when a Jaina monk comes to a family to receive his food, after taking a meal, as a blessing to the family, he gives a sermon. That monk became such puzzles and confused that he started to leave. The grandmother shouted, “Stop! Don’t leave. Who is going to answer my child’s question? And he still has a few more to ask. What kind of man are you, escaping from a child’s question?”

The man stopped. 

Raja said to him, “I drop the second question because you cannot answer it. You have not answered the first question, either. So I will ask you the third…”

 He looked at Raja. Raja looked at him back and said, “If you want to look at me, look into my eyes.” 

There was a great silence. Nobody said a word. 

The monk lowered his eyes, and then Raja said, “I don’t want to ask anything anymore. I don’t want a guess of the house to be ashamed. I withdraw.” 

And he really withdrew from the gathering, so happy when his Nani followed him.

The next day that monk had to come again because a Jaina monk cannot take food from anybody except another Jaina, and unfortunately for him, Raja’s family were the only Jaina family in that small village. Watching him coming from the window, Nani asked Raja, “Now what are you going to ask him?”

He said, “I don’t know but don’t worry. I will find something. First, let him eat and speak.”

The monk was very cautious in speaking and very brief. He was speaking about the beauty of existence, thinking perhaps that it could not create any trouble, but it did.

Raja stood up and asked, “Who created this beautiful universe?”

Oldman answered quickly “Nobody,” and that was what Raja was waiting for, because he knew. Jainas is pure ethics, pure morality, and does not believe in God; it is an atheistic religion.

 He asked, “Can such beauty be created by no one?”

 The monk said, “Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that no one is someone.”

 Raja said, “I know what no one is no one, but if no one created the universe how did it come to be?”

 The old monk looked here and there. All were silent except the Nani, who was laughing loudly. The monk asked Raja, “Do you know how it came to be?”

 He said, “It has always been there. There is no need for it to come.”

Raja was never interested in going to school. He was forced finally to go, but I resisted as much as he could. He loved only one game: Argue – about everything.

His interest has remained the same: to know what is the ultimate truth, what is the meaning of life, why I am here, and not anyone else. 

And he was determined that unless he finds the answer, he will not rest and not let anybody around to rest, either.

*

Raja had his own strength to decide what to do. And he was so smart that even can ask those questions gave that monk the answers too. Just a kid, but he could do it. How awesome!

I do believe that when a kid has a question and it is not answered. The question will always be stuck there and ruin their life somehow. Just the real answers (or we can call the truth) can set us free from the questions—all questions I had just stucked there. 

I stopped asking my mom for answers, but my mind never stops growing more and more questions. 

My questions became bigger and bigger: It became:

If God is the most powerful man in the whole universe, why did he not just do something to stop Satan from doing bad things and tempting everyone to commit sins? Why does he have to let Satan do all this bullshit sin-caller if he can stop it just by ‘umh’ maybe a finger-flip? 

If those cracks are really Jesus’s pieces of meat, just think about that, and I have no idea how people can take it and eat it and even say “thanks”??? They all look serious and enjoy that piece of meat in their mouth after taking it. I asked my mom to show me that crack in her mouth many times to see, is it really a piece of meat? Human meat? But she told me not too curious about it, so I did. But inside, still, can not accept it.

The same I don’t understand if God loves everyone so strong and unconditional as The best dad, so why does he have to punish people very hard?

I can’t imagine my dad can do anything bad to me even when I did something wrong. My whole life, my dad never did any punishment or even a scream to me. He is a perfect dad even he never ever said he loves me. It’s not Vietnamese style to say “I love you” in the family. Love is all about words or actions? Why my dad never said about love but never punished me either. And this “The Greatest Father – God” keeps telling about love, how much he loves us, how unconditional love bla bla,… and then if I don’t follow his rules, he would love to burned me in the hottest fire forever. 

All these nonsense ideas of Catholic just turned me crazier, but I was so young, so I accept many things even when I don’t understand or don’t like it at all.

At school, they taught us nothing but “be good behavior.”

At church, they taught us nothing but “be good behavior.”

I might be not a good behavior girl, but at least I could pretend that I am good behavior and it’s real good-behavior. Do you understand this again, nonsense-logic? 

By stop asking pain-in-the-ass-questions or even stop asking anything, you are good kids. And they all said they want you to be smart, but what is the meaning of being smart: keep asking or don’t ask at all because there is no real answer for any question? I don’t know what is smart. I’m not sure anymore after I wrote down all these things, to be honest with you. 

But at least, we all agree that the little boy in the first story was smart, right? 

I wish I was smart, but sadly I wasn’t. I kept praying for many years by whispering the whole long prayer, not just writing it down for once and foverer. I hate the idea of “forever” since I know about heaven and hell from my mom. They are both ugly forever.

That boy was smart to “decide” how to pray to God. If God can see everything and hear everyone so of course, he also can read anything. It’s a fuck. In fact, anyone who doesn’t think that God can read is not the good kids of God at all. This boy had such a big trust and love for God, that’s why he can do such a simple and smart thing as “God, read my prays right there. Thanks”. So simple. Save so much time and energy. Just like “wholesale pray”. You have done things once, and it would last forever, bring profit forever, don’t need to ask again and again the same things. That’s why I’m pretty sure that boy is a Jewish. They always know how to do thing better, less effort, and more profit, profit forever. If later I have kids, I’m going to teach them the same thing; then they don’t need to waste so much time on whispering so long-damn-pray many-times every-single-day for many-damn-years as I did. 

Yeah, that’s true. My family was a very good behavior child-of-God. Every night and morning, we spent at least an hour reading all the prayes that che church has taught. For me, even as a kid or a not-very-kid person right now, I hate all those prays, sutta – right? I hate them all because I don’t see any meaning from them. They may have beautiful meanings in English, but when they translate to Vietnamese and taught us to read again and again until we remember them all very well. I can read them by memory pretty well. Still, I understand nothing. The more I try to understand by separating the prays from paragraph to sentence, the less my mind can understand. I wonder if anyone praying those suttas do they understand them well, or they never thought they need to understand or not? Still dout about it until now really but of course always good behavior girl so I don’t ask anyone. 

Somehow, I feel like I am the only one who cares about all the prayers, the sutta enough to think hard about what they said, and the meanings of them all, from the sentence to the whole sutta. I did again many years later, when I was in the church and realized all the prayers they read have no meaning, at least for me. I don’t understand or agree with the prayers or how the priest tried to explain them. I stopped going to church since there and stop being good behavior from that time; I was 25 when I decided to stop.

My logic is simple: God is Love or Love is God. That is the main message of the whole Jesus life story. And the only mission of the church is growing that seed of love inside people, in everyone. But seem like after 2000 years, the church could not do its job well. I see people still have so much hate inside them, so much complains, greedy, judgments, compare… I couldn’t find love. After 2000 years, the church has failed, who can sure they will achieve success after 2000 years later? Why I have to be here to see? Why I have to waste my time seeing something seem never happen? If the idea of going to the church make you be good people, then it should be good people everywhere now. I look around, and I don’t think the church has done a good job as it supposed to do. Besides that, at that time, I read more about spiritual books that changing my whole idea bout church and god and love. God is love, and I can feel love is growing in my heart everyday. I feel thankful and grateful for everything that I have. I don’t ask for anything else because god has given me enough. I have such a big love in my heart that I believe it’s the best pray for God to hear, and my heart with so full of love is the best temple for God to stay. I decide to stop going to church since then.

And stop whispering the prayer that I used to pray every day and night since I had learned how to pray until I have learned how to stop praying but just being thankful and grateful. “The real and the best prayer is the pray for all you have, not what you don’t have. It is the pray to say thanks, not to ask for more and more”. This is one of the messages I had received from God, through a man named “Donal Nealde Watson” and his books “Conversations with God”.

Some ether messages that I read, agree, accept and live it:

“God talks to everyone, everywhere and anytime, we just didn’t realize it’s God’s speak. He speaks to us by our feelings, our hearts. How many people can hear their hearts? 

Life is a process of creating, not discovering.

The ten commandments are not the 10 Prohibitions, but The 10 Indications: this idea really touches me hard and changes everything I have believed.

God believes in individual pray – the retail-pray, not the wholesale-pray. I mean, everyone should have their own pray, from their heart, instead of praying something someone tells you what to pray and how to pray. Poor God has to hear all the complaining, greedy prays every moment. I feel sorry for him when I think about it.”

Many other awesome ideas in the books “conversations to God” if you wanna read more. I can’t tell you will agree or understand the books’ ideas because we are all different people with different beliefs and situations. But I do believe: if you were born in a good-behavior-Catholic-family; if you were always questioning many nonsense ideas about it, then you would understand the books better as I did. That book changes my life. I read that book not less than five times, and everytime it leads me to a different level of freedom and love. I can see love grow so quickly my heart just like wild grass in the spring. I love everything and everyone. Before that, I love only Catholicism. After that, I love and respect all different religions (my mom was not happy with it). Before that, I just felt thankful for the good thing that happened to me. After that, I feel even more grateful and thankful for the bad thíngs. They all turned good somehow at the end. Before that, I just saw what I don’t have; after that, I only see what I have and don’t see anything that I need to ask for more… 

My heart and my love became big enough even to love the people that whole human-being hate: Hitler, Judas, Satan…. I will explain it later, but before that long explain story, I will show you what nonsense is: People are easy to forgive you if you follow their idea: just love the good. But if your love and your heart are big enough, brave enough to follow your own way, your own idea of love: Love the worst people in the whole real/unreal history like Hitler, Judas – the betrayer, Lucifer – the bad-behavior angel and Satan? Oh my god, they can not forgive you for that, they will call you Satan, just because your love is big enough even toward Satan. They would love to put you in hell with Satan or call you Satan, or as my mom did, she called me “Daughter of Satan”. Think about it. Ok. I will back to this later.

Now, as a not-serious girl, I would love to laugh and make people laugh as much as I can, so I’m going to tell you a very “awhh” story that I have heard from my “guru” (the man has been changing my whole world, for good, oops later story, sorry)
This story is about how the Jewest has had ten commandments from God. Ready?
Wait, I’m not ready.
There are two stories about this, actually.
My good-behavior part asked me to tell the good one first. This is a story I read from Neadle, the book conversations with God.

Moses leads the Jew so long in the desert, so tired and lost. One night he walked to the mountain and prayed to God: “God, please give me some signal, some indications, how can I know that I’m leading these people the right way to their promised-land?”

God, I don’t know, maybe misunderstood what Moses asked for. He asked the signal to the promised land for real, but God may think that the promised land is heaven, the question became: How can we know we are on the right way to you, to heaven, to the right path? So God answered Moses: “I will give you ten indications/signals. If you can see these indications arise inside you, you know you are on the right way. First, you will love God with all your heart. Second, you would never be done anything wrong/harm to others under his name; then you become no more lie or judge or wish bad things to others. You also stop being greedy, even for money or your neighbors’ wives…” like that to the end. They are all beautiful things when they are the indications, the signals. Still, somehow after taking all these signals, Moses or his advisors turned them from indications to commandments, and they became ugly just like that.
Do you see the difference between these two ideas?
Like: When you are in love with someone, you may feel so strange: your body shaking, you could not talk the normal way, your mind “bloomzed”….
But you can not say: if you feel like “bloomzed”, shaking, strange… it means you are in love. No. You may in sick, should go to the hospital instead of heaven of love.

From the moment I saw those ten commandments are just the signals, my life has changed so fast and so deep. I can see so clear all those indications increasing inside me. I love God than ever, love everyone, everything. I stopped being greedy, and no more want to fight for the material world… I can tell you now. I know I am on the right path.
If you want to know more about these ideas, please read the books: Conversations with God (or to God I don’t know). For me, they are my Real Bibble – New Bibble, the Bibble for the New Humanity of New Century: The Aquarius Era.

Wait. Please don’t let me go so far. I’m Gemini, as known as The Winds, my mind and my imagination can go anywhere with the light-speed, from the dust to the universe. Let me back to the story I was going to tell. I have told you the good one from “the bibble” – Ok, now is the another, even better than the first one. (By the way, why we always think: there is one good so the next one would be bad? I want one good, and the other is better)
This story I have heard from the guru that I love through his books also.

After creating the whole world with so much mess and many sins, God decided to go to the earth and give humans some advices about how to live their life the right way. His advices as we called: commandments.
He wandered around, try to give commandments to many different kinds of human but poor God; no one cares. When he went to Egypt and Babylon and tried to provide some commandments, they asked: “What are commandments? Tell us one first as an example.”
God said: “You won’t have any affair, just one husband – one wife forever and not allow to sleep with anyone else…” They both said: “Stop it, God. Don’t need to say anything else. Our answer is no, take your commandments away, we don’t need any of them.”
God was so sad, but he had to leave. He was continuing wandering around and asked the same things, but no one interest in his commandment at all. Until oneday, he met Moses in the middle of nowhere.
God said: “Do you want to have some commandments?”
Moses, we all know he is Jewish, he said: “How much for one?”
God said: “it for free.”
Moses, without any questions, answers: “Then, I’ll take ten.”

Such a story! I love this story so much. I asked no one this question many times: Why God has chosen the Jews as his own people? What made the Jews special? Why did Hitler also think so bad/good about the Jews to the point that he had killed millions of them?
What is the sense: God saved his people from the Roman just for Hitler to kill them later?
Then, God “sent” Jesus to come and save the Jew’s ass even they seem did not want to or did not need it, at all (the proof that they killed Jesus on the cross). Then, Jesus didn’t care the Jew want his sacrifice or not; he still decided to dye to take all the sins of humans away. (He decided it himself because he had a chance to save himself, but he didn’t do anything for it.) After dying for all humans’ sins, the human is now still deep in the ocean of sin as ever and still have to go to church asking for more forgiveness from God. So what is the meaning of Jesus’ death anyway?

The more I think about this, the more I want to die, really. Such a mess!

It is so clear that it seems like no one cares enough to ask these questions, or they all know, and all understand everything except me! Then I may the dumbest person in the world that let these questions ruined my belief, my faith?
What is the smarter way to live: Ask nothing, just believe anything people tell you, accept them all, no asking then no messing? Or keep asking, questioning what you don’t understand. Let them call you “bad person, bad behavior, non-faith human, daughter of Satan. And don’t stop until you find the answers that “free” you, release you from all of the burdens you have had in your heart?

As I told you, I am a difficult girl and a creative one. I was not easy to accept everything but also always try to find a mix-solution that can combine two options as one. So my decision was: I stop asking anyone about my doubts, but at the same time, I keep them in my heart and looking for the answer anywhere I can. I kept asking but in quietly and ask straight to the best one I know, the one that can answer all questions in the world: God.

Yes.
You would surprise to know the day I decided to stop going to church, not because I lost faith and trust in God or God did not answer my questions, but the opposite. God somehow gave me all the answers I wanted to know. I longed to know. He answered them all. I was so happy and satisfied and grateful that no more question, no more burden in my heart. All the space I have in my heart is all for God and full of love, trust, and faith – Brand New Faith.
Yes, I stop going to church because I have no more questions, no more doubt, but love. About this, my family couldn’t understand. They could not accept the idea someone dares to the left church; it is the greatest sin ever in their belief. I became the greatest sinner in the family in my parents’ eyes because of that decision, even I never done anything bad to anyone… They don’t care. Just the idea of leaving the church is enough to put not only me but also my parents in hell, as they believed. I don’t like that idea at all. I kept convincing them that: Let me take all the sin, the responsibility of my actions, my decisions. I will ask God for that. Why God has to punish my parents for my sins? If God still punishes my parent for their children’s sin, then he may not a good and fair God and the church always say. Why this God seem to love to punish someone for someone else’s sins? First, he “punished” Jesus for the Jew or human’s sin in general. Then he punishes all humans for not caring what Jesus had done? God lives just for wandering around to give free commandments and punishing who doesn’t follow his advice? And always said: Human is free from all their choices and I love you bla bla? If God is someone who love punishing parents for their children’s choices, so I think: God should punish himself the most. He is the father of all children on the earth, right? Even Jesus or Judas, even humans or angels, satan or anything else… God created everything, all this mess; he deserves all the punishments as he can image, not human.

I can’t imagine if I tell my parent this idea that God should punish himself for his children’s sin. He should not punish my parents for my sins (stop going to church). Can’t image. Really!
What worse a mother calls her daughter is “You are a daughter of Satan.” It broke my heart to hear so from her, even though I don’t hate Satan, but I know how much she hated Satan, meaning how much she hated me. I didn’t do anything except expressing why I don’t want to be in the church. I asked them to let me take all responsibility for my actions. And then, that was her answer: I am Satan’s daughter, I was no more their daughter…

I did not hate Satan, but after that, I tend to think, “Maybe I am Satan’s daughter. God has so many children already, such a big family. Maybe Satan is lonely, no child. If I am Satan’s daughter, then I should know more about him. And after that, I tried to find out more about the worst person in the world: why everyone hates him so bad. What I found out was really surprise me. I found out nothing bad Satan had done, except he wanted humans to have more freedom to live their lives better, more mature, more responsibility, stop leaning on God, stop crying, begging, asking…

Do you see what people pray when they pray? All crying, asking for this, for that; blaming why this happened, that happened; why they don’t have this, have that; please give me this, give me that, almost material things, power things and some special things like health and love they also keep asking.
God has given you health, keep it. Don’t destroy it with a bad habit and ask for health.
God has given you such a huge capacity to love in your heart, just love, share love, express love better, multiplying it. You have all that power to love in your hands, why have to ask for “please give us love, faith…”

This morning I have such a good mood to write something down, and somehow I have written a poem if by any chance you can call it a poem. The basic idea is about “Love”

22/02/2020 

Love is Heart-attach, not Heart-ache

I have a big problem with my poor heart.

 It seems too big to survive normally in this world.

 It is strong and can carry such a huge love towards anything, no distinction.

 My heart has enough space for not only goods but also “bads” – if there is anything you call “bads”.

I love the rain as much as I love sunlight.

 I love the day and also love the night.

 I love the soft touch and love holding tight.

 I love the sounds, and I love the silence.

 I love the diamond, and I love the stone.

 I love smiling and love crying.

 I love the sadness and happiness.

 I love the lessons and memories.

 I love the weird. I love normal.

 I love loyalty and also betrayal.

I love Socrates, and I love Hitler.

 I love both Grabiel and Lucifer.

 I love not only Jesus but also love Judas.

 I love God, and I can love Satan.

Yes damn it.

 You didn’t hear it wrong.

 I love Hitler, Lucifer and Satan!

 They all deserve some love too.

 Love is unlimited. Why have to be so stingy.

And because of that big unlimited love,

 they call me a bad girl; they call me evil.

 No matter how much love I have,

 just the moment they hear, I love Hitler, Satan.

 They call me ‘daughter of Satan’ and hate me enough to wanna kill me (by their words)

 Oh yes, I forgot to tell you I love Life and also love Death.

 Just like I love Enemies and also love mates.

 I love everyone, so of course, I love you too!

 Even if you are children of God 🥳😱

Thanks for joining me in this job. Trying to create a new world is full of joy, love and laugh.

 Life is so short to live with a limited Love.

 Our heart is too big to have just a small love.

 Wait, hang on: Your heart is strong enough to love me too?

 If you say yes, you are a blessing to have a big heart.

 If you say no, It’s ok. I know a different answer from your heart, not your tongue, haha

 

 

Two things I love so much no matter how old I am: one is good stories, second is good laughs. 

I would love to try to make this book become a good book of stories and laughs. It’s all I want and going to do. 

Now is one funny idea I have written after seeing a funny photo on facebook: someone names his restaurant is “My fucking restaurant” on the board. Look at it, and I have an idea.

I hope you can have a good laugh before we talk more about some stories.

Even a cookie needs love as much as a fuck: Don’t do anything without love

It will be a good place if anyone who comes there is all free to say “fuck this” “fuck that” as a good way to release stress. Like:

 – Good evening. What the fuck you want for dinner, sir?

 – Let me have a fuck look at the menu first, fuckin asshole.

 – Of course, customers are fuckin God, sir. Take your fuckin time and call me when you are fuckin ready, even in the middle of fuckin night, sir.

 …

 – Hey! What the fuck have you done with my foods?

 – What wrong? What the fuck is your problem, sir?

 – They are all fuckin awesome, man.

 – Because we have so much love for our fuckin job, sir. And as you have already known: everything needs love, even the fuckin cookies, sir.

 – What the fuck are you talking about?

 – It’s The Matrix. Are you fuckin real that haven’t watched it yet, sir?

 – I haven’t, but because of your fuckin review, I going to watch it tonight after fuckin my gon a bit.

 – Sounds like a fuckin awesome plan, sir. But remeber, don’t fuck without love, sir. Everything needs love, even a cookie or a fuck.

 – Don’t worry, I fuckin love her!

 P/s: Once upon a time, someone said he fuckin loves me, too!

I have run many businesses before fashion clothes, coffee shop… I know how it tasted, so even now, someone gives me a big beautiful restaurant for free and tells me to run it and take all profit. I will simply say NO so loud and happily—that kind of experiences I had enough. 

And the fact is what you just read in the funny dialogue was exactly what I wanted to tell all of my workers, my customers, and my partner. 

I have to admit that I was not that brave to speak so to them, but the moment I saw myself wanted to do it, again and again, day after day… I knew it’s time for me to close all businesses. And I did. I couldn’t handle it anymore so I have dropped them all and lost a lot of money. But guess what? What I received after losing money is what no one can buy by money: it’s peace, time, health, more time, quieter, less money, less stress, more silence and more realize what the real thing that humans should look for is. 

The real things are what we can not measure or calculate. 

The real things are what we can not ask for but earn by giving thíngs away first.

The real things are what never die: it’s not material but energy…

The truth is what releases you from all of bad-energy (hate, compare, jealous, jugde, angry, greedy, scary…), and turn yourself become the source of good energy only: passion, love, care, understanding, gratefulness, thankfulness, happy…

I always believe the better way to learn anything is through the experiences, not words.

The better lessons come from the stories, not theory.

The better way to live is spirituality, not philosophy.

If I can, I wish I could be a story-teller, not a teacher, not a doctor, not a businesswoman, not a philosopher but just a story-teller.

This book may scare you with “philosophy, this and that”, but really, it is nothing serious, just me trying to tell my stories, and someone’s stories that I love, by my way, with my simple broken English. That’s it!

And by the way, we are talking about stories, I have to tell you some more awesome stories that have been changing my life from the roots to the braches. Stories of my kick-ass Raja, again.

*

India, 194X

Raja’s whole family was going to the temple (Jainism). He was resistant because no one could explain what the whole thing was all about what sense happens in the temple. Noone had no explanation except, “It has always been done, and it is good to follow your elders, to follow your old generations, to follow the ancient heritage… It is good.” – ‘This is not an explanation.” Raja said.

He told his family: “I am not asking whether it is good or bad; I am asking what it is. I don’t see any God. I see only a stone statue. And you know perfectly well that it is a stone statue because you have purchased it from the market. So God is being sold in the market? You have installed it with your own hands in the temple; at what point did it become God? Because in the shop of the sculptor, it is not worshipped. People are haggling for its price; nobody is praying to it! Nobody thinks that these are gods, because there are so many statues. And you can choose according to your liking.

You haggled for the price; you purchased the statue. I have been an observer all the time, waiting to see at what moment the stone statue becomes God, at what moment it is not a commodity to be purchased and sold, but a divinity to be worshipped.”

They had no explanation. There is no explanation because, in fact, it never became God; it is still a statue. It is just no longer in the shop. It is in the temple. And what is the temple? Just another house.

Raja asked them, “I want to participate with you in your prayers, in your worship; I don’t want to remain an outsider. But I cannot do it against myself. First I have to be satisfied, and you don’t give any satisfying answer. And what are you saying in your prayers?

“Give us this,’ `Give us that’ Do you see the whole hilarious scene? You have purchased a stone statue, installed it in a house, and now you are begging from the statue: prosperity, health… You are behaving very strangely, in a weird way, and I cannot participate in it.

I don’t want to disobey for dis-obedience’s sake. And this is not disobedience; I am ready to follow your order, but you are not prepared to give it to me. You never asked your own parents. They lived in ignorance, you are living in ignorance, and you want me also to live in ignorance.”

Sometimes, Raja came to the temple to watch, but he was unwilling to bow down in the temple to a stone statue. 

He said to his family, “If you want, you can force me. You have more physical force than me. I am small; you can force me, but remember you are doing an ugly act. It will not be my prayer. It will destroy even your prayer because you are doing violence to a little child who cannot resist physically.” 

Slowly the family thought that Raja would cool down by and by. They took him to the temple. They would all bow down, and Raja would stand by the side. 

His father said, “Just for our sake… It doesn’t look good. It looks odd that you stand by the side when everybody is bowing down with so much religiousness.”

He said, “I don’t see any religiousness; I simply see a certain kind of exercise. And if these people are so much interested in exercise, they can go to a gymnasium, which will really give them health. 

Here they are asking, `Give us health,’ and `Give us wealth.’ Go to the gymnasium and there you will get health, and you will have real exercises. This is not much! And you are right that it looks odd, not my standing here but you all doing all kinds of stupid rituals. You are odd. I may be in the minority, but I am not odd.”

Finally, the father told him, “It is better you don’t come to the temple because other people come, and they see you, and you are always doing something nasty.”

He said, “What?” Because I was always sitting with my back towards God, which is not allowed – that is “nasty. If God is omnipotent, he can change his position. Why should I be bothered about it? But he goes on sitting in the same position. If he does not want to see my back, he can move; he can start looking at the other side. I am more alive than your God, that’s why you tell me to change my position; you don’t tell your God. You know that he is dead.”

And the family all said, “Don’t say such things!”

Raja said, “What can I do? He does not breathe, he does not speak, and I don’t think he hears, because a man who is not breathing, who is not seeing, who cannot move, cannot hear—all these things happen in an organic unity, and the organism has to be alive. So to whom are you praying?”

There was a particular class for Jainism in the temple. All the children of the neighborhood had to attend it, one hour every evening. Raja refused to come. The father asked, “Why?”
He said, “In the first place I don’t have those questions for which they are supplying answers. This is stupid. When I have questions, I will go and learn their answers and try to find out whether they are correct or not. Right now, I am not even interested in the question. Who created the world? I am not interested. I know one thing for sure: I have not created it.
The father said, “You are a strange child. All the children from the family are going there.”
He said, “They may have questions, or they are idiots. I am not an idiot, and I don’t have those questions, so I simply refuse to go. And I know what the teacher goes on teaching the children is absolute rubbish.”
The father said, “How can you prove that? You always ask me to prove things; now I ask you, how can you prove what he says is rubbish?”
He said, “Come with me.”
The father followed Raja to the school where the teacher was teaching that Mahavira had these three qualities: omnipotence, all-powerful, omniscient, all-knowing, omnipresent, everywhere-present.
Raja said, “You have listened, now come with me to the temple.”
The father said, “But what for?”
He said, “Come, I will give you the proof.”
And then Raja put on Mahavira statue’s head a laddoo – that is an Indian sweet. Naturally, two rats were sitting on Mahavira’s head, eating the laddoo.
He said, “This is your omnipotent Mahavira. And I have seen these rats pissing on his head.”
The father said, “You are just impossible. Just to prove this, you did all that!”
He said, “What else to do? How else to prove it? This is the only Mahavira I know, you know, and the teacher knows. And he is omnipresent, so he must be present here seeing the rats and what they are doing to him. He could have driven those rats away and thrown away my laddoo. Now prove to me that this man is omnipresent. And I’m not bothered at all—he may be. Why do I care?”

*

These awesome stories were what happened to my “little” guru when he was young. I just love these stories too much, and somehow they always jump up anytime they have a chance. It was out of my control. I can’t help, but I wish you could see such the sweetness and the light inside them, as I have.
Those stories touched my mind, heart, and soul so deeply that they somehow reminded me so much about myself as a little girl. As you have known, I had asked my mom many questions about Catholicism too. She could not answer, but somehow Catholic was a very tight system, hard to get out of the system no matter who you are, where you are, and how old you are.

I wish I could be that brave and strong mind like Raja to do the same thing, but I wasn’t.
I stopped asking questions or asked anyone to prove their words, but somehow I found my own way to deal with my situation, and when I look it back now, I thought I have done not a bad job.

It happened when I was young, the same age as Raja -maybe, I did not reach 10 at that time.
My family lived in a small village that almost neighborhoods are Catholic too. And it is a law that all the kids in the village had to go to a particular class every weekend to learn more about Catholic theory. I went there with all my friends, and to be honest, I didn’t give a fuck about what they taught us. All the questions and the answers are already written by someone somewhere. I understood nothing, but I could manage to remember all those questions and answers just like a parrot, no more.
All experiences in that class were ugly except breaking time when my friends and I were allowed to go outside, run, laugh, and play all the games we wanted.
Raja cared about the questions and answers enough to asking for proves. I even didn’t care at all. But somehow, two little things in that class stuck to my mind and my heart, since that old day until today. And you could not believe how those two little things have been changing my life.
First, once the teacher used to ask one of the students (us) a question, and we had to answer her exactly what the books, the bibble said. We all hate to be picked to answer the question, the feeling just like you had done something wrong and waiting for God to call your name and ask you why?
That time she asked a kid known as a dumb kid, a little “crazy” one, not very normal. She asked: “What had Jesus done when he was young?”
The answer supposed was Jesus went to the temple and somehow managed to stand be frond of all old men, masters, priests to talk about God when his parent found him. This is the only story of Jesus’ childhood of all time, right? I love this story even didn’t know much about it. Maybe Jesus was asking all those old men to prove God as Raja asked his father to prove. Noone knows what was really happened, because… noone knows.
So it was supposed to be the right answer but this boy, this “dumb” boy, he didn’t remember or didn’t care about what in the Bible. He said: “When Jesus was young. He had done a lot of homeworks: he carried water from the well to home. He prepared the firewoods and cooked the meals.”
Everyone was shocked for a moment, then they all laughed, very loud (including me, maybe I don’t remember, but when we were young, we were easy to laugh at something, and don’t even know why.) That poor little boy had to receive many bad compliments from friends and the teacher. I don’t remember he had “a friend” or not because when you were wrong, you didn’t like to hang out with the “dumb” one much, no matter which culture.
I might laugh too, and if I did, I’m sorry, friend. I have heard he was dead some years ago. I never talked to him, but that day when my parents told me he was dead, I remember this story and almost wanted to cry.
I might laugh, but his “dumb” answer somehow hit me hard. I wonder and asked myself many times: “That is a good question: what had Jesus done when he was a kid? Why just only one story was known. If he is really the only son of God, he was the son of god since he was born or just after he spoke to everyone that he is the son of god? If he is the son of god, can he do all the magic like cooking meals, chop down firewood just by a finger flip? Why did noone say anything about his childhood? Why he just appeared again after many years, when he was 35. How about before that? What happened?”
Those questions increased in my mind since that day. I become so care about Christ’s childhood and want to know more since that day while people were laughing that poor boy and said, “Are you crazy? You really are? What are you talking about? Jesus – God: does homeworks? Haha Impossible. He is the only son of God, remember?”
But no matter the son of God or daughter of God, you can not use that reason to refuse to do your homeworks, right? Because after all, you are still a kid in a family that needs you to help some homeworks. It’s live. No matter you are Vietnamese or the Jew. In fact, as a book I read about The Jew said that The Jew training their kids to do as much homeworks as they can, from the very early, to teach them how to work, work harder and respect all small jobs. So as a little boy in a poor Jew family, I think Jesus had to do a lot of homeworks too. Why not?

I have carried these question many years, and somehow it led me to find out so much about many enlightened people’s childhood, and those childhood’s stories of Raja was what changed my life, not the Bible, not Jesus’ childhood, not Gautam Budda’s childhood.
Because of those stories, I looked at my own childhood and realize so many things that, for me, now, all magics happened.

The second thing I remember from those ugly classes was a beautiful thing: The teacher told us about the meaning of the most famost pray in Catholic. I don’t know the name in English but can call it: Our father – Our God.
It was so popular that we prayed it many times a day, at home, in church, before the meals, after waking up or before going to sleep… That prayer was short and not easy to understand if you separate the paragraph into the sentence, but it was easy to remember and read as a parrot.
The teacher said: “This prayer is so beautiful because we can see so clear if we separate it to two parts: one first part we pray for the God’s world: we wish it becomes bigger and stronger, we wish Gods’ wills will work on both the earth and the sky (umhh) that is the right way to wish. We wish for God first (how we care about God). Then, the second part, we pray for ourself: food everyday, pray for God’s forgiveness and if God forgive our sins; we will forgive the others too (how good we are); we pray for God save us from Satan’s temptations and hope God saves us from the bad things.
That is the meaning of that pray. I did not care so much about that prayer, but somehow, I love writing down my own prayer base on the idea of praying for others first and praying for myself later. And that day, after leaving that class, I came home and start writing my own prayers.

I still remember it so clear to write it down now because after writing it down. I prayed it every day, many time a day, for many many years, almost my whole life, since I was under 10 until I was 25 (the time I stopped going to church: when you stop asking, you stop praying too)
My pray was: “God, thank you for everything you have been giving us.
Please keeps the world in peace, no war. Everyone loves each other and no more poor or bad-life people in the world.
Please keep my family in good health, happy and peaceful.
Please give us faith and ask the holy-angel to come with us.
Please help us live a life that deserve your gifts.
And for me. God! Please help me find out what my mission is in life and help me to achieve it. Thank you!”

It was my pray for almost 20 years. I had a soft heart and soft mind, not so smart to write it down one and ask God to read it, but I did really pray it from my heart, by my words, a very personal pray, with so much love and trust.

Now, look it back, I wonder how many kids in this world are praying for the world? Maybe many. How many kids praying for their family, for the human-hood – maybe many… But how many kids pray for finding out their mission and meaning in life? I don’t know, but I was that one, 20 years ago, in a very small village, middle of nowhere.

I was praying with love, full of love from my heart, so God has listened and answered me. The day he answered my questions, my wishes: I stopped going to the church, with so much love and happiness and gratefulness. God told me my mission in life and how to achieve it based on my own situation, strengths, and weaknesses. He answered me, so lovely and beautiful way.
It was so strange that the day I stopped going to the church was the day I love and trust in God the most. It was the day I heard from God and talked to him directly, didn’t need a middleman like the priests or pope, or the Bible or the church. That day I could see so clear ten commandments turn to 10 signals, I have them all, in my heart. That day I worshiped God than ever did, and my faith in God somehow becomes my faith in myself.
Because the bridge was made: I trust in God and God trust in me.
It is a two-way path.

“I want for you what you want for yourself.” This sentence in the book “Conversation with God” was my truth since that day!!!!

 

Phi

Namaste!